Finding Peace

Sometimes I feel like all I ever do is run. I find myself running from the time I get up until I go to bed. I feel like I am in a race in which I am always behind. Behind because I started a half hour after everyone else. Every night when I crawl in bed I tell myself that tomorrow is a new day. I will lay in bed and plan out the next day. I will commite to making the next day better. And somedays that works and others it doesn't and once again I will find myself laying in bed telling myself that tomorrow is another day.

So, what does all this have to do with finding peace. Well I've decided for me, I am stuck in a rut. I rut that I chose to put myself in with out really even realizing I was putting myself there. Thats the crazy thing about ruts, most of the time you don't even see it until you are already stuck.

On sunday another mother in my ward, who I thought had it all together got up and bore her testimony. She spoke about just this subject, "Finding Peace" and getting out of that "rut". It was just what I needed to hear. And after pondering sunday and most of the day today I think I have a plan. A plan to start "Finding Peace" knowing that there will be "race days"and I may not find much "Peace". I now realize that sometimes " Peace" is nothing but a brief moment in my day, or that some days its several brief moments. "Peace" for me, from this moment on is going to be laying in bed at the end of everyday and counting all those brief moments and just letting all the rest go because tomorrow really is another day!!

Brooke

Brooke Atkinson

Brooke's story begins when Weston was only 3 weeks old. I was sitting on the couch feeding Weston when Jace crawled up next to me, looked right at Weston, and told me,"Mom, Weston really misses his sister".  I looked at Jace and told him that daddy and I may have another baby someday, but it would probably be another brother. No Jace said, "when you and daddy have another baby it will be my sister".  Jace was 3 at the time and to be honest I really just didn't think that much about what he had said.

Over the next few months I found myself constantly feeling like someone was missing. When I would go in to check on Weston I always felt like I should be looking in on someone else too. By the time Weston was a year old I knew I needed to have another baby and that I shouldn't wait very long. Summer came and went, but the feeling to have another baby lingered. Finally in around the first of November 2003 I told Nashawn how I had been feeling. He felt the same! So I quit using my birth control patch on December 1st. We began talking about having another baby and how we both just knew it would be another boy. Three boys, wow we just thought it would be great. Having a girl never really crossed our minds after already having two boys.

Around new years 2004 I made the comment to Nashawn that I was feeling pressure us to have a baby either in March of 2005 or November of 2004. His and both boys birth days are in the same week in March and I didn't want the new baby to feel left out. But I figured if it came in November around my birth day maybe it would be ok. I got my wish. Around  Nashawn and the boys birth days in March I found out I was pregnant and due in November, on Thanksgiving day.

We waited until I was in my second trimester before we told the kids. Weston was too little to understand but Jace was excited. Thats when he once again told me that he and Weston couldn't wait for their baby sister. "I've been praying for her," he told me. My mom, who had 4 grandsons, thought it would be fun to have a baby girl around. And my mother in law who had one granddaughter, who happened to be her first grandchild, had 6 grandsons and was also ready for another girl. They were both praying as well. Nashawn and I just wanted a healthy baby and for everyone to not be disappointed when it was a boy.

Twenty weeks came and we took the boys with us to find out what we were having. When the ultra sound tech told us it was a girl, Nashawn kept saying, "Are you sure, check again". Three times he asked the ultra sound tech to check again. Jace told his dad, "I told you it was my sister!!"

On November 17th 2004 at 8:54 am Jace and Weston finally got their baby sister. Jace still looks after her to this day. He is her protector. Weston and Brooke on the other hand have a rather interesting relationship. They are either the best of friends or the worst of enemies. But I know they love each other its just funner to fight......teheee....Everyone was, including her dad and I were so excited to have a girl!!

I love you Brooke!!!

Jace

Jace Nashawn Atkinson

 Nashawn and I both new we wanted kids someday. We were both young and selfish and had decided we would wait for 2 to 5 years of marrage. We had just purchased a brand new Dodge Truck. My family and extended family were camping and Nashawn and I decided to take our new purchase up and show everyone. I can still remember sitting around the camp fire when my Grandpa Ernie asked how we would be able to pay for that truck and a baby. Nashawn laughed and told him that we weren't having kids until the truck was payed off.....so he said, "That puts us on a five year plan". My Grandpa laughed and told Nashawn he didn't think we would make it 6 months let alone 5 years! And boy grandpa couldn't have been more right!

Two weeks latter I woke up one morning and was getting ready for work when I started feeling very sick. I went to work anyway and by 12 felt better. However over the next five days the nauseated feeling continued and I even got sick several times. But like clock work by around 12 the sickness was gone. This all started around the 24th of July. I know your wondering how I would remember that. Well my brother and sister in law had both came for a visit on that weekend. They had just had their first child nine months earlier. And just like on previous mornings I was sick. In the late afternoon my sister in law and I were sent to the local fast food stand to get shakes for everyone. While there she asked me if I thought my morning sickness could be caused by the fact that I could be pregnant. I looked at her as though she were crazy and stated how that couldn't be because I was taking birth control. 

By monday morning I felt so sick that Nashawn asked his mom if she would drive me to the dr. because he couldn't get the day off work. She too just new I was pregnant but never said a word and took me to the dr. When the nurse came in we talked about how a month earlier I had been sick with a sinus infection and that they had given me antibiotics and that I thought maybe that I still hadn't recovered from the sinus infection. She drew some blood and had me do a few other tests then sat me in a room to wait for the dr. When the dr. came in he asked me how far along I was. "What" I said. "How many weeks pregnant?" he asked. I am not pregnant I told him. The dr. got really embarrassed and said they must have mixed up the charts. He left the room and I could hear him talking to a nurse. After a few minutes he came back in, laughed, and told me that the charts were not mixed up and that I was pregnant and thats what was causing my sickness. He said it was morning sickness. He gave me a prescription for pre-natial vitimans. I asked how I got pregant while on the pill. He said that when your taking birth control and you take antibiotics the antibiotics  can lesson the effectiveness of the birth control.  So out into the lobby in shock I walked, forgetting my mother in law. When I saw her reality settled in and not wanting to tell her before Nashawn I made up a story about having an intestinal virus. She just looked at me a smiled! She new the truth and also new I wanted to tell Nashawn first. I called him when I got home and he was in shock too.

Once we got over the shock and I got over morning sickness, pure excitement settled in not only for Nashawn and I but for our families as well. It seemed none of us could wait for Jace to arrive. Twelve weeks into the pregnancy Nashawn announce one after noon that we were having a boy and that he wanted to name him Jace. I wasn't so sure on either the name or the fact it was a boy, but Nashawn just seemed to know and wasn't a bit surprised at the ultrasound. 

Jace wasn't due until the 23rd of March. I had a Dr. appointment on March 8th and was planning to work for a few hours then head along with my mom to the Dr. (Nashawn, my mom, and my mother in law took turns taking me because Nashawn couldn't always get off work) When Nashawn and I woke up that morning I told him that I didn't feel good. He asked if we need to go to the hospital if I was in labor. I said no that I thought labor would hurt and I didn't hurt I was just tired. So he called my boss and told him I wasn't feeling well and he went to work. I slept a while longer then got ready for the Dr. Mom picked me up earlier and we went shopping then to the appointment. The Dr. checked me the asked if I was ready to have a baby today. I laughed! He said no really you are dilated to a 5 and ninety percent effaced, you need to go check yourself into labor and delivery and I will be seeing you in a while. 

I started crying worrying Nashawn wouldn't make it. No worry was necessary. He made it with-in the hour. I checked into the hospital at 12:30pm on March 8th and Jace was born, after what seemed like very long anticitpated hours of waiting on everyones part, at 12:27 am March 9th. I just keep crying its a boy....its my baby boy!! And Nashawn well......he was just so proud!

I love you Jace!!

Weston

Weston Rex Atkinson

This post begins in June of 2001. Nashawn and I had just helped our oldest child, Jace, celebrate his second birthday in March and were having so much fun watching him explore the world. We were haveing so much fun that we decided we wanted to experience it all again one late evening after having just put Jace to bed. So we made the decision that night to begin trying. 

Now one piece of information you need to know before I go on. Nashawn had made a statement only a year before that he only wanted one child. I however new I wanted more than one. So on this night that he had a soft place in his heart and wanted another child, I took it as a sign from my father in heaven that the time was right. And heavenly father knew!!! 

The end of July we were walking around the Zoo with Jace when Nashawn looked at me and with confidence said, "I think you are pregnant".  "No" I said, its not really possible. So after the Zoo and while we were having lunch the conservation continued. Nashawn was insistent that I buy a pregnancy test. So on the way home we did. I went straight to the bathroom when we got home, and Nashawn took Jace over to Grandpa Dallas and Grandma Floyedene's house to show them the stuff we got at the Zoo. I waited the allotted amount of time and then looked at the test. It was positive! I went next door and not wanting to tell the in-laws until I had told Nashawn, quickly gave him a smile and a thumbs up. He got a big smile and announced that we needed to be going. We were both so excited and a little shocked too. It happened quicker than we thought but we both new it was right. 

So began the doctor visits and the 8 weeks of morning and night sickness. Then before we new it the morning and night sickness had passed and we were in the 2nd trimester. Ultrasound time was fun. Nashawn and I both just knew it was a boy, and sure enough it was. During the ultrasound Weston turned straight, grabbed himself, and didn't move for just the amount of time needed for us to get that picture! He also stayed in the breach position he was in during the ultrasound for the rest of my pregnancy. At my 36 week check up the doctor took another ultrasound picture and Weston was still breach. The doctor warned that most babies don't move at this point. He spoke with us about the risks of turning him during labor and how I and the baby could die or it could go great and I could deliver naturally. He also told us the dangers of going into labor breach and not getting to the hospital in time. He said that if I even thought I was starting labor I needed to head straight to the hospital. 

On the morning of March 6th, at 37 weeks I went into labor. I went to work and just didn't feel good. Work sent me home and I called Nashawn, who drove truck at the time. He new I was in labor and had me call my mom and have her take me to the hospital. Sure enough I was in labor. They tried to stop it but couldn't and since Weston was still breach Nashawn and I decided not to take any risks. So at 5:48pm by C-section Weston was born. Nashawn and I had two names picked out. His was Weston Rex and mine was Colby Rex. Nashawn left it up to me since he named Jace. So I picked Colby Rex. Everyone left and it was just me and the baby. Around midnight they brought the baby in to nurse and he just wasn't Colby, he was Weston! So after talking with Nashawn the next morning a name was agreed upon. We had always told Jace that for his 3rd birthday gift he was going to get a little brother. Weston and I came home from the hospital on March 9th.......Jace's 3rd birthday! And they have been best buddies ever since!

 I Love You Weston!!!

Three Questions

Lately I have been asking myself the same three questions. I've also been thinking that maybe if I ask myself these questions more often I can solve the "what should I do?" question a little faster and be more satisfied with the decision. The three questions I've started asking myself as of late are:

* What am I doing?
*What do I want to do?
* What should I be doing?

Ok so here is my dilemma, question, thought, what if one of those three questions doesn't quite fit to help solve the other one. Sometimes what I am doing doesn't work. So that leads to the question "What do I want to do?" Seems easy right. Well not in all cases because "what I want to do, doesn't always go along with what I should be doing". Now I know that this could all be avoided by just asking our heavenly father what to do. I pray and ask for guidance. But what I've come to discover is that sometimes there is no one answer. Sometimes Heavenly Father says they are both good choices. Or sometimes he says no matter what you choose its going to be hard. He tells us that he sent us here to learn. To make choices. That he will guide us and he always does that he will always be with us and he is, but he can't make the choice for us.  Its those questions that I hate. The ones that could change things dramatically and no choice is right or wrong its just a choice. I know.....way to deep of a post.....something maybe I should have just left in my journal....but I am really wondering if anyone else feels this way.  Am I just plain crazy?lol

Grandma Utahna

I was blessed to be asked to speak at my Grandma's funeral. She was such a special person in my life. I wrote my talk the night she died in less than an hour. I found out at about 6 that she had returned home with our father in heaven and was just....well....sad, shocked, and really not ready for her to be gone. That night my husband built a big bond fire in the back yard. He knows that camping and sitting around the fire was always a special place with my grandparents. While I was gathering all the groceries needed to make smoores with the kids I got a phone call asking me to speak. I remember standing looking at the fire with my husband and kids and thinking, "how can I put into words what this marvelous lady means to me?"  A few hours latter we put the fire out, the kids went to bed, and I got in the shower. While I was showering the words just came. I shut the shower off even before finishing, quickly put on some comfortable sweat pants, picked up my pencil and began to write. I've decided to post my talk. I've been thinking long and hard about if I really should. I have so many great memories and a few are in my talk. I wanted a safe place to store these memories and decided that maybe my blog would be a another good place other than my Journal. Also my blog, Things Tucked Away, well these memories are just some of that....things I have tucked away. I have taken out the memories my cousins gave me to share I just don't feel right sharing them, since they are there memories. But as your reading you will see that there was a place for them. So here it is......

Grandma Utahna

I want to take just a minute and tell you what an honor and a privilege it is to be speaking about my beloved grandma Utahna. She was my hero, cheerleader, friend and biggest fan all in one title “Grandma”.

Grandma had a special spirit. Everyone who came in contact with her fell under her spell. She welcomed everyone with open arms, and once she new you well, well you became just another “one of the bunch” or “one of her kids”. She just had a way of making everyone feel special. When I would go to visit no matter how old I got or what she was doing she would stop and find out what was going on in my life. She always had the best advice and the older I’ve become the more valuable that advice has become. When I was young her advice was just ramblings of a grandmother. Know her stories are valuable lessons for me to learn by. I realized one day, not too long after having become a mother myself that grandma had once been in my shoes. She knew how and what I felt and she knew how fast this moment in my life would pass. She said to me many times “do not wish you were older you will be older soon enough”.

When Jace, my 1st child was about 9 months old, Nashawn and I began trying to make him fall asleep with out one of us rocking him. Every night for a week we’d put him in bed to cry himself to sleep and he would cry until he through up. Grandma and Grandpa happen to stop by to visit on day 6 of this transition and I started telling Grandma what I was attempting with Jace. Grandma took my hand and looked in my eyes and said, “Honey that baby won’t even be able to fit on your lap soon. It seems like forever to you at this moment but in the blink of an eye they are grown and too big to fit in your lap. If that baby wants to be rocked to sleep rock him and cherish every minute”. And I have cherished every minute and she was right.

Grandma made the most wonderful memories with all her grandkids. Some we will keep as our very own and others that we wish to share today.

I learned that Grandma had a pretty good imagination and she wasn’t ashamed to use it. I loved to play with my dolls and to play house. When ever grandma baby sat me I would take my babies along. Grandma would build me my very own house in the back bedroom. she would make sure I had everything a house needed. We would make a couch out of  a blanket and a couple throw pillows. She had the cutest hutch and we’d put dishes in it then make a grocery list so latter I could grocery shop in her kitchen which became the store. She even made sure I had a table. I’d play for hours. Of course looking back now I think maybe all that work was so she could have a few minutes of peace from all my talking....but I’d never knew it then.

A little over a week ago I reminisced with grandma and I shared that memory with her and told her how special she always made me feel. She told me that she had done that with Liz when Liz was little. Grandma said that she could still see Liz making grocery lists on the chalk board behind the living room door. 

I loved sitting with Grandma and Grandpa and listening to the stories of my Dad and his brothers and sisters when they were young. Grandma loved to share stories about her kids. She was so very proud of them all. She loved them so much and her biggest accomplishment was being a mother. She told me a couple of weeks ago she was planning to go on a mission about the time she meet Grandpa. When she went to meet with the general authority about her mission her told her that if she knew a nice young man she should get married and start a family. So she did. And she really felt like Grandpa and her kids were her mission. They say that when you go on a mission the lord will bless you, and she was very blessed. They told her that because of the rumatic fever she had in her childhood she had a weak heart and that she shouldn’t have kids. She had eight. On baby number 6 the doctor told her that her heart was stronger than it was before she had any kids. A few years latter, the doctor who had delivered the 1st 6 ran into my uncle Wes. The doctor asked Wes how Grandma was and commented on her being so healthy after six kids. Wes laughed and said 8 she had two more. The doctor was very surprised.

My memories of my Grandma and Grandpa are some of my most cherished. And some are so close to the fore front of my mind that if I close my eyes I’ll go there. Summers in the yard, climbing trees, picking flowers, helping weed the garden, and BBQ’ing with family and friends. Camping in the Unitas, fly fishing, or rather watching my grandpa, dad, and uncles fly fish, talking around the camp fire, talking about days gone by and things to come. Getting up to the sounds of wonderful breakfasts in the morning, fresh fish and pancakes-mummm----I can almost smell them now. And falling a sleep to the sound of the grownups either talking or singing around the fire. Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve, family, santa, wonderful food and enchanting christmas stories from when grandma and grandpa were kids and when their kids were little. 

Lots of laughing, some crying, lessons learned, disappointments, and triumphant, all done in the loving arms of Grandma and Grandpa.

Two weeks ago I stumbled across a quote by Marjorie Pay Hinkley. The moment I read it I thought of Grandma.

“I don’t want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shinny sports car, wearing beautifully tailored clothes, my hair expertly coifed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. 

I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels form taking kids to scout camp.

I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children

I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingers from helping to weed someone’s garden.

I want to be there with children’s sticky kisses on my checks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. 

I want the lord to know I was really here and that I really lived”.

By: Marjorie Pay Hinkley

And boy did Grandma really live. I know she did all those things and more! She was all those things and more! She taught us, her kids, Grandkids, and Great Grandkids all those things and more! Boy did she love us all-and all the same!

So Grandma, the tears I cry today are not for you, I know you are in a much better place surrounded by loved ones and most of all your “Love” Grandpa.  The tears I cry today are mine-32 years just don’t seem long enough! But I will keep my memories close and share them with those who didn’t have 32 years and I’ll never forget the wisdom you’ve given me!

In closing just one more poem that fits Grandma - Mom. Its called Angles.

Angels

Once upon a time there was a child ready to be born. So one day he asked God, “They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?”

God replied, “Among the many angels, I chose a very special one for you. She will be waiting for you and will take care of you.”

The child said, “But tell me, here in heaven, I don’t do anything but sing and smile, that’s enough for me to be happy. And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don’t know the language men talk?”

God said, “Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care your angel will teach you how to speak.”

The child said, “And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?”

God answered, “Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you to pray.”

The child said, “I’ve heard that on earth there are bad men, so who will protect me?”

God replied, “Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its own life.”

The child said, “But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.”

God said, “Your angel will always talk to you about me and teach you the way to come back to me, even though I will always be next to you.”

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven but the voices from earth could already be heard, and the child in a hurry asked, “Oh God if I am about to leave now, please tell me my angels name!”

And God said, “You will simply call her Mommy.”

 

Five weeks.....Five weeks ago I started a blog that I have been pondering starting for months and to which I have posted one time. Sad.....Sad.....Sad.  So why haven't I posted? No time.....not really a good excuse although things have been busy.....an excuse none the less. Nothing to say......no.....plenty to say just not enough nerve to say it. WHAT?!!! Yes I am finding myself scared to start opening up on the "Things Tucked Away" in my head. I have so many things I want to write about but I am too scared to actually put it down. Scared that I could offend someone, spell something wrong or use bad grammar. Scared that maybe the topics I pick aren't interesting enough or educated enough or that they will be boring. Scared because I want to share things about my kids, their funny stories and share pictures but not sure how to do all of that. Scared most of all that if I actually put down some of what is in my head I might actually have to start doing something about all the realities I've tried so desperately to avoid for the last several years. That I might have to finally start dealing with some of the feelings and emotions I have "Tuck Away". Things that are just on the surface waiting to be delt with in a more productive and healthy way than self medicating with an array of "Things".

So, it has begun. Its time to stop being scared. Stop making excuses. Stop second guessing myself and say what I need. Start sharing what I want to share and realize that some may not like what I have to say and that is ok. Its time to get it all out so I can get back to that little bit of myself I lost, knowing that I don't have to feel alone! Remembering that I have the best friends any girl could ask for and always have. Family that would do just about anything for me. And kids that just might someday want to know a side of their mom they didn't know was there:) I am ready for this journey to begin and to share it with anyone who wants to join me. And yes, I am looking forward to all that anyone might have to say good or bad. (I just hope its not too bad.....lol...)